United Airlines decides to make “universal apology” a permanent part of their company policy.

♦ By David Le (’18), Eastside Underground (& “Humor”) Editor

United Airlines has been the center of all things controversial in flight news, however a recent statement released by the company has given people hope.

In the statement, United Airlines announced changes to company policy and customer interaction.

*STATEMENT EXCERPT*

“In light of a few mistakes that have occurred in the past, we here at United Airlines realize the (very high) probability of another mistake occuring. Thus, we have decided to take the initiative and adopt the ‘One Apology For Everyone’ policy (OAFE). We believe that OAFE will not only satisfy the public need for reparations, it will also ensure that our company can save enough time to do what we do best (which is not making mistakes). But if we do –you know– make mistakes in the future, instead of us issuing a formal apology, the consumer with the complaint can access the United Airlines website for our very own customizable apology template. The template can be seen below:

Dear [Insert Complaining Customer Name],

Thank you for letting us know about your experience at United Airlines. Our goal is to provide a consistently reliable product and exemplary level of customer service. So obviously we screwed that up, which is why you are taking the time to fill out this customizable apology. We here at United Airlines sincerely apologize for [Insert Specific Event]. We will make sure that something like this will never happen again (within a range of 2-3 business days). Again, please accept our sincerest apologies (and please don’t sue us).

Sincerely,

United Airlines

Additionally, there is now a call option for apologies for those who desire more than a written letter. The United Airlines Apology hotline, (555)-UAA-OOPS, has voice messages detailed to a variety of issues as seen below:

Thank you for calling United Airlines Apology hotline,

For [being dragged off the plane], press 1.

For [improper storage/shipment of pets], press 2.

For [asking you to give up your seat for flight crew members], press 3

For all other issues such as [losing your luggage] or [not enough ice in your drink] please contact actual customer service.

Hopefully we at United Airlines have satisfied your need for apologies and remind you to always ‘Fly the UnFriendly Skies’.”

*END OF EXCERPT*

Once the statement was released, many have reacted positively to the new policy announcement.

One customer named Halp-Ime Fawling, who was the subject of one of United Airlines’ mistakes, had an optimistic outlook on the new policy. “I think it’s great. Instead of having to wait for a public apology, which takes a few days, we can now get our apology straight from the website or by phone, almost instantly,” Fawling said. “We all know the apologies from United Airlines are the sincerest around. Ever since they threw me out of the plane mid-flight for complaining about the amount of ice in my drink, they’ve been sending tons of free flight coupons and heartfelt letters to my hospital bed. Although all the letters were photocopies, it’s really the thought that counts. They also came in to sign my full body cast, while I had to sign some nondisclosure agreement. Either way, this just shows you how caring United Airlines is.”

Yunightdid Aer-lynes, a Massive Company Mistake (MCM) analyst, claims that apologies alone will change the way the company operates. “An apology automatically makes everything better. It’s definitely more than enough, there’s no need to do anything else. It’s even better if is through Twitter or social media. It’s truly touching that United Airlines cared enough to write a 280 character apology. Now with the OAFE, it is even better. Who cares about getting dragged off a plane when you can get your apology instantly? It just shows you that it’s easier and more effective to give an apology, rather than do anything, ‘constructive’.”

When asked for an interview, a United Airlines representative simply said, “We realize that everyone is too busy for an actual apology so we decided the OAFE would be better for both sides. Especially since our analysts are predicting many more apologies in the future.”

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