♦ By David Le (’18), Eastside Underground (& “Humor”) Editor
Today we interview — perhaps the most important person on this planet (other than Jake from State Farm) — the founder of the Raw Water movement, Ech Tuo.
“Please, call me Watah”
Watah, your importance in today’s society is based on the popularity of your life-changing creation, Raw Water. How exactly did you come up with such a stupid– excuse me– I mean stupendous idea?
“It’s quite simple really, I realize we are in a world where the organic, or Au Natural, is highly valued. Nowadays, anything and everything has the option of being organic… and expensive, Whole Foods taught me that. I realized that there was one untapped resource out there for me to exploit–erm, explore– and that was water. No one wants a ton of chemicals in their food, so why would they want them in their water?”
But surely for health reas—
“Don’t give me that muck about treating water for ‘sanitation reasons’. People want to feel one with nature, and a stomach full of cholera will definitely do the trick. If people want natural, I’ll give them water straight out of a stream (fish and animal feces included, for that special taste). Anyone can tell you, it’s the freshest water around. I guarantee it.”
Further on your claim of fresh water, can you explain the unique appearance of Raw Water?
“Our water has the unique capability of becoming green after a while. Why is that? It’s not because the water is spoiling or the bacteria is affecting the water, it’s because the water is becoming green with envy. You’re drinking all that disgusting filtered water when the real, raw water is being neglected. Of course it has every right to be jealous.”
But what does that mean for consumption?
“It’s perfectly fine! Haven’t you eaten green eggs and ham before?”
I mean yes, but that’s different.
“Surely not! Would Dr. Seuss lie to the common people? He is a doctor after all. Being green is not a bad thing either, the Broadway musical, Wicked taught us that much. Are you arguing with the moral lessons of the almighty Dr. Seuss and Wicked?”
Well, no. But with water–
“And, consider it this way we here at Raw Water have gone green! Are you condemning us for choosing to save the Earth?”
I don’t think that’s what that phrase means…
“Not to mention our high prices for our premium grade, Essence of Pond Water and Essence of River Water, patent pending.”
Back to the topic–
“And of course our fresh new product, Spirit of the Hills: Run-Off Water.”
Can you please stop advertising?
“I’m happy to say that our company will soon be expanding our target audience from hipsters to the general population, with our new bottle containing system instead of the old jars we found in the shed.”
“And of course, we can’t forget about all the benefits of Raw Water, which includes reaching hydration enlightenment…”
*Recording has been cut*